Thoughts during Spring Break 2016

So many emotions running through my head on this mid- spring break evening...

First off...happiness because I don't have to be anywhere at any specific time which is lovely!! I can make my own schedule, and be as productive or as unproductive as I'd like.

I feel scared as I have so many tasks to accomplish for grad school and work that I am not sure I will be able to get them all completed since I just want to do nothing.  I tell myself…one thing at a time and every time I cross something off the list, I feel so much joy!

I feel unsettled because I'm not sure I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing work wise.  I know my students need a steady, loving teacher, but my management of my 22 unruly, yet kind-hearted students is not at its peak and I don’t know what to do about it.  They need stern, structure, consistency, and for lack of a better word, an asshole at times.  I can’t seem to master any of the above, and it’s consuming my thoughts.  I leave work exhausted because I’ve spent the day arguing with my kiddos about being respectful to themselves, to each other, to their teachers…convincing them that doing their best work is going to make them smarter…being a referee to the arguers over a pencil or a kick in the shin under the desk.  Most of them need all my time since they haven’t mastered being independent, four of them can work independently like scholars.  Most need me as a mother and father figure because theirs hardly pay attention to them, or I need to be a grocery store for the one’s that haven’t eaten anything since school the day before.  I’m a counselor for the one’s that throw themselves on the floor over something that I think is so small (like not having a crayon color they like), but to them it’s their whole world because they don’t know the difference…a counselor to the one’s who have lost control of their emotions and have thrown furniture across the room.  All of these things happening in one day, but I haven’t really had the time to be a teacher.  Where have I gone wrong?  Is it me? Is it my environment?  Is teaching right for me?  What is right for me?

I feel strong because today I ran 2.3 miles in 31 minutes.  I did it!  It helped my mind, my body, my spirit. 

I feel secure knowing that I have incredible friends.  I got to spend time with a great friend in St. Augustine today who I hadn’t seen in forever.  It was so nice catching up with her and hearing about her mommy life and life as a coach, too.

I feel blessed because I have a rich life full of a family who loves and supports me and my happiness.  I have friends who truly care about my well-being and my overall success.  I have a great place to live, a city I love, a synagogue that’s just so welcoming.  I have inner peace knowing that I put my all in to everything I do, and I’m a hard-worker…even if I don’t feel or see the benefits of that now, I will be rewarded for that in all my endeavors as a teacher, as a student, as a person…for years to come!